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Tag Archives: Genitals

The Raft of the Medusa – Sodomy and the Lash

‘O stand, stand at the window As the tears scald and start; You shall love your crooked neighbour With your crooked heart.’ It is possible for life to be a bowl of shit. Or it can be a much smaller saucer of shit. Conventional wisdom holds the latter to have the edge over the former, [...]

Jerusalem Offertory: Nor Shall his Pork Sword Sleep in his Hand

Bring me my bow of burning gold! Bring me my arrows of desire! Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold! Bring me my chariot of fire! November 13th – shuffled sheepishly through Israeli immigration, enduring a 30-second staring down by an oddly Aryan young woman in army fatigues. Last time an attractive girl looked at [...]

Hopenhagen to Smelsinki: Piracy on the High Seas of Hoopla

It is a rare morning in the lifecycle of the agency that dawns with cause to be proud. Ordinarily it’s a matter of prying open encrusted eyelids to find oneself slumped in the wrinkly palm of last night’s barcalounger, empty bottles of King Shag Sauvignon Blanc scattered like bowling pins across the deep pile, fag-ends [...]

Noah Sheldon: Nameneko is the New Bukkake

‘Our hunting fathers told the story Of the sadness of the creatures, Pitied the limits and the lack Set in their finished features; Saw in the lion’s intolerant look, Behind the quarry’s dying glare, Love raging for, the personal glory That reason’s gift would add’ What an unnerving and enchanting experience to come round of [...]

Love Again: Wanking at Ten Past Three – The Lovely Rambles

(cont’d from ‘Unsheathed, Perkin Lovely was a Ronnie Corbett Sausage’) ‘More likely they are his-and-hers avalanches of mouldering dumpling mix, with dentures from Minsk, matching unisex carrier-bag breasts and stained, swampy genitals. They’ll greet you at the front door of a tract house in Teaneck wearing each other’s underwear, their rabbi in the background humping [...]

Unsheathed: Perkin Lovely was a Ronnie Corbett Sausage

‘ … was once fat, with great swathes of cellulite, folds in thighs and arms, blubbery, utterly hairless, cross-eyed with a massive hydrocephalic cranium, no teeth, nonexistent chin, lathered in spit-up and drool, an extremely small penis, no balls at all, pants full of wet yellow shit. Things have improved marginally since. Now have hair.’ [...]

Song of the Best Western (III of III)

(cont’d from ‘Song of the Best Western (I of III)’ and ‘Song of the Best Western (II of III)’) She thought she hadn’t slept, but she was disoriented and vaguely aware of lightning. She squinted at a point of red light in the deep dark. What was it? She could hear him breathing, Philip, half-snoring. [...]

Song of the Best Western (II of III)

(cont’d from ‘Song of the Best Western (I of III)’) “Done. He’s off.” She held up the match-head. “Want to see him?” He peered along his chest at the tiny blackened raisin, his face still slung in a protracted grimace. “Did you get the head out?” “Probably. You’ll be fine anyway.” She eased herself to [...]

Song of the Best Western (I of III)

Martin tossed his backpack aside and dropped his trousers. “Christ, I’m bloody red raw,” he said, peeling his boxer shorts gingerly away from his thigh and stooping to peer inside. “It’s like bloody beetroot”. “I’m going to take a shower,” said Abigail, “there’s Neosporin in a ziplock in my case.” “It’s ridiculous, I mean, two [...]

Noah Sheldon and the View from Lickham Bottom

The British are, in their own words, queer buggers. It all begins on the Virgin Atlantic Airbus with the ding-dong doorbell voice of somebody calling herself the Cabin Service Manager interrupting your search for the item on the in-flight entertainment menu most likely to make your neighbour shift uncomfortably in her seat (way-past-her-prime Meg Ryan [...]